And I kept coming back to the purpose of this little family blog. Our story. A way to remember and to share the little moments that define us. And that’s when I realized that, good or bad, happy or sad, this event will always be a small chapter in our story.
It was just a routine trip to the doctor’s office for an ultrasound. We were ten weeks along.
Can you go to the baby and show us the heartbeat? I had asked.
Technician: I’m just going to take a few measurements first.
Can you please just go look at the baby and show us the heartbeat? I asked again.
Technician: You asked to see the heartbeat and I’m showing you where the heartbeat would be and there is no heartbeat.
We were shocked. Only a few weeks ago, our first ultrasound had indicated a strong heartbeat and a growing baby. And now… now we were left with nothing, nothing but two small pictures of a baby that will never be.
Am I scared?
Very. I’m scared about how I will move forward, how I will learn to let go of a piece of me, a piece of us, a piece of life that we will never know. I’m scared about why it happened, what went wrong, and know that we will never get answers to these questions.
Will I survive this?
Of course I will. It’s not easy, particularly about when I think about how far along I would be now, how we would normally be anxiously and excitedly awaiting our December visit to discover the gender, wondering how close to April 30th our new little one would actually come. Now, these dates will pass with no such occurrences.
What do I know?
I know it’s not always peaches n’ cream. We live a good life and we have so many good things to be thankful for. We are lucky that we have not had many hardships to overcome, yet I know we are not invincible.
I know that I have amazing friends and family that will do anything for us… a sweet letter, a batch of cookies, flowers, or a dinner… they are all the best of the best and we are very lucky to have them in our life. These individuals that will not say one word about the situation if I tell them I don’t want to talk about it, and five minutes later be a shoulder to cry on if I have suddenly changed my mind. There are certain people that, if something like this has to happen, you really just think, man, we’re lucky to have them around. They have made me smile, allowed me to cry and vent, and reminded me the sun will soon shine again.
I know that we were ready. Big Brother shirts for Jacob and all…. We were ready to take on another little peanut. But maybe, as my mom has told me, maybe Jacob just needed a little longer of his days of receiving all of the attention… maybe just a little longer.
I know that we have an incredible nineteen month old child that makes me smile mid-sob. During these moments, he often has walked up to me holding a favorite book, “Don’t Cry, Big Bird.” Ok, Little One, I tell him, Momma won’t cry anymore. And while he may not quite know what has been going on the last week, I can tell you that I have received more unexpected hugs and kisses than ever before.
And finally, I know I have a good man for a husband. I know that in my weakest moments, he always just did the right thing. And I’m sure it wasn’t easy for him, always being the strong one, but he did it.
For now, we go about our routines one day at a time. I have come to terms with the fact that there will be no baby in April. I am, however, hopeful that we will add more little ones to our family. I am a big believer that everything happens for a reason. And while I can’t quite figure this one out, I’m willing to rely on things bigger than us to get me through this time in our life.
Life will move on.
I know there will be more tears in future days. I know I will continue to wonder, why me, why us. But this is our life now and there is nothing that can be done. I am blessed with an amazing family and we deserve to move forward, be happy, and think optimistically about the days when we might welcome in a new little one. It will not be easy. But this is certainly not the end.
Just a little moment in our lives right now.